


harmless

by always happier (penalteaze)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: (kinda), Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Canon Compliant, Eating Disorders, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun-centric, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 11:19:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17600348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penalteaze/pseuds/always%20happier
Summary: it starts out harmless, like it always does.





	harmless

**Author's Note:**

> !!! TRIGGER WARNING !!!
> 
> i absolutely mean this, please don’t read this story if you’re triggered by eating disorders in _any_ way. there are many, many amazing stories out there you can read, but not this one. please take care of yourself. - x
> 
> i also don't think jaehyun has an eating disorder, just to get this out of the way. this story is fictional.

he has never been happy with his body, at least he can’t remember a time where he didn’t have something he disliked about himself, but that’s normal he supposes. no one’s ever truly okay with their body.

they pinch his cheeks, call his baby fat cute, tell him how adorable he looks and how he must be eating well. he doesn’t care about it until someone in school says ‘jaehyun is fat.’  
he looks at the other boys in his classroom and notices that, yes, he is bigger than them, baby fat still clinging to his cheeks, his tummy poking out a little.

his mum notices, too. she tells him they’ll eat more vegetables from now on and he doesn’t really mind, he likes veggies.

he doesn’t know at which point it starts to bother him, people pinching his cheeks, calling him cute. but he’s nine years old when he says ‘i’m not cute!’ and his grandma chuckles and answers ‘yes you are, darling, look at those adorable cheeks.’

when he hits puberty he grows ten centimetres over one summer, his body stretches and the weight shifts, he’s looking better now, some even say he’s handsome. he enjoys sports, wants to be the best at everything, wants to be better than he ever thought he could be. 

he doesn’t worry much about his weight anymore, though the baby fat that’s _still_ clinging to his cheeks irks him. he can’t change it, so why whine about it? 

he’s 16 when a lady asks him for his parents’ number in front of his school. she’s from sm entertainment and wants to know if he’s ever thought about becoming an idol. he hasn’t, but it sounds exciting and so he’s willing to give it a try.

he thought competition at school was bad, but it’s nothing against what he experiences during his first weeks at the company. it’s brutal. everyone’s looking out for themselves and themselves only. but competition has always been his motivator and so he works harder than he ever thought possible to get better. he’s successful at it, his dancing improves, his rapping is getting better, too. he isn’t in first place yet and so he goes home trying to hide the disappointment after their rankings for the week are out. it’s okay though, he’ll work harder. he _will_ be the best, no matter what it takes.

***

it takes _everything_. all his blood, sweat and many, many tears, but he makes it. he debuts, he gets to perform on stage, he gets to hear the fans scream his name. it’s a feeling unchallenged by anything else in the world. 

he’s a singer now and so he spends more time with doyoung and taeil. he likes them both a lot, he really likes all his members. they’re like family now, he’s spent so much time with them.

debuting is exhausting. he didn’t think it possible to be able to survive on so little sleep, but they all pull through together, the same dream connecting them, making them stronger together. 

he’s tired to the bones, but he’s never felt happier in his life.

***

it starts out harmless, like it always does.

he reads a comment about his weight, he ignores it. in the following weeks they pile up. he tries to ignore it, but it’s hard when what they’re saying is what he’s been thinking all along.

he starts working out more, but it doesn’t help. at first it’s an hour on the treadmill after the others have gone to sleep, later it turns into two and then three, but it just doesn’t help. he can’t get rid of his _fat_. he hates it so much, he starts to pinch it, looking at himself when he comes out of the shower and despising what he’s seeing.

he stops eating dinner. _skip dinner, wake up thinner_ , a girl in his class had said once, he’d rolled his eyes at her back then, now it’s different. now he understands that she’s right.

it works, he loses weight. when he reads the comments, praising him for his hard work and discipline, his chest swells with pride. he’s finally done it. he looks good now, no longer jaehyun with the baby cheeks, no longer looking like a loaf of bread. he has a prominent jawline now and the fans love it.

when the others ask him to go out for dinner with them, he says he’s eaten already. it’s easy, the lies pile up. he never used to lie, but it’s all he seems to do now.  
_‘have you eaten yet?’ - ‘yes.’_  
_‘are you sure you don’t want to try it? it tastes amazing.’ - ‘thank you, hyung, but i still feel quite full from lunch.’_  
_‘where were you last night, you weren’t in your bed when i woke up?’ - ‘i couldn’t sleep, don’t worry about it.’_

he gets away with it. it makes him feel proud, like he’s accomplished something. no one knows what’s going on, he’s that good at hiding it.

***

then they start commenting on how ‘jaehyunnie has lost a little too much weight, he should stop now’ and it’s like a slap in the face. he’s worked so hard for this and now he isn’t good enough again. can he ever truly make them happy? he just wants them to like him, to tell him he’s doing great, looking great.  
the comments don’t stop, they get louder and louder and there are a few articles written about it. they’re praising him, too, saying how hard he must’ve worked, but that it’s time to stop now.

he gets asked about his ‘dieting secret’ in interviews. - ‘it’s nothing, i just try to eat a little healthier, nothing deep fried,’ he laughs. if the smile doesn’t reach his eyes, no one notices. 

***

he wants to stop. well, he doesn’t want to stop, but everyone is telling him to stop, that it’s enough. even his members throw him concerned glances now when he says he isn’t hungry. he doesn’t want anyone to worry about him, they’ve all got enough on their plates already and so he stops.

it’s harder than he thought it would be, to eat normally again, whatever that means. he feels horrible after having dinner for the first time in months, his body isn’t used to it anymore and he has to stop himself from gagging after taking the first bite, he feels that disgusting. he knows this should be concerning to him, but he can’t bring himself to care, not when he can _feel_ the fat settling in his cheeks already.

doyoung gives him an encouraging smile, though. he cooked the dinner especially for him, his favourite meal. he had hugged him tight when jaehyun told him he wants to eat dinner again. the relief was palpable on doyoung’s face and it had made jaehyun feel ashamed. maybe someone had noticed after all.

***

it works out for about ten days. for ten days he feels absolutely horrible, he sees some of the weight returning and he knows he isn’t imagining it because he gets on the scales at least three times a day. his heart is beating so fast he’s afraid it’ll jump out of his chest before he gets on them, every single time. the shame he feels when he sees he’s gained another pound back is excruciating. he’s such a failure. 

on the tenth day he can’t do it anymore, he just can’t. he wakes up early, before everyone else and goes on the treadmill, he runs and runs and doesn’t even stop when he hears someone entering the room. it’s doyoung.

‘you’re awake already?’ he asks, checking his watch. it’s still only seven in the morning.

‘yeah,’ jaehyun huffs out, never dropping his pace. he hasn’t done enough yet, he’s absolutely exhausted, but he hasn’t done enough yet. ‘thought i’d get in a workout before our schedule.’

‘ah,’ doyoung answers, the crease between his eyebrows prominent. ‘well, i’m making breakfast now. join us in twenty?’ 

he swallows and then throws doyoung a bashful smile. ‘sorry, hyung, i already ate before working out, but you enjoy your breakfast.’ a lie, of course it’s a lie and judging by doyoung’s face he knows it, too, but all this working out can’t have been for nothing. he can’t destroy his progress by all that disgusting, greasy food. it’s not an option.

‘of course,’ doyoung says, he sounds sad, disappointed. jaehyun feels horrible about it. ‘take care of yourself, jaehyunnie.’ he turns around and leaves him alone in the room. all he can hear now are his heavy breaths and the ringing in his ears that he’s grown accustomed to. he doesn’t worry about it anymore.

***

it catches up with him faster than he thought it would. it happens a lot quicker this time around, maybe it’s because he knows what works now. he drops the weight he gained in record time and can’t help but feel a little proud about it. order restored. he can breathe a little easier again now and if the others’ eyes start following him again, he doesn’t care.

it catches up with his body faster as well, however. over the past months he’s gotten used to feeling cold from the second he wakes up to the second he falls asleep, not even cuddling donghyuck can help it. he’s gotten used to losing his vision whenever we gets up, waiting a few seconds for it to return before he can carry on. he’s gotten used to feeling his heart work, feeling it pumping blood through his body, none of that is new to him.

the ringing in his ears follows him everywhere, his legs start to shake when he’s sitting down and the black dots clouding his vision don’t really leave anymore. but it’s okay, he can deal with it, he’s getting used to it. his body might be protesting, but he’s stronger than that.

he needs to get sneakier, too. doyoung has caught on and jaehyun knows it, knows it when he asks him if he’s eaten, knows when he checks on him during his workouts, knows it when he catches his worried eyes. he’s mad at himself, it was easier when no one suspected anything, but it doesn’t stop him.

he gets up even earlier, pushes himself harder during his workouts. he faints once or twice, but nothing bad happens, just a nasty bruise on his right leg. it barely hurts. 

he smiles at doyoung when he’s eating with him, hoping it doesn’t look as forced as it feels. he’s only ever eating when someone is around to check on him now. he saves the calories for times when he _has_ to eat, not wasting anything on himself when he’s alone. to be honest, he doesn’t even feel hungry anymore. his portions are small, he takes ages to finish, but doyoung seems to be satisfied when he does and that’s all that matters.

***

it happens after their win at a music show. they’re all so _happy_ , even jaehyun. all the hard work has paid off and although he feels like he can barely walk anymore after their performance, he feels blissful. it’s a good day, maybe the best he’s had in weeks.

their managers take them to a restaurant and although his heart clenches in fear when he thinks about having to eat, he still laughs with the others. he’s enjoying himself, it’s nice to finally feel something other than indifference again.

when dinner comes he only takes a small serving, eating it as slowly as he can.

doyoung is observing him, he can feel his eyes on him and it’s making him feel queasy in more than one way. ‘take some more,’ he says. ‘you’ve barely had any.’

jaehyun shakes his head no. ‘thank you, hyung, but i’m full.’ he smiles shyly, pushing around the last piece of meat on his plate with his chopsticks.

mark has been listening, he looks at jaehyun. ‘you can’t be full from that little food, hyung.’

he feels his ears getting red in embarrassment. his body decides this is the perfect time to humiliate him even further. his stomach is grumbling, gurgling, happy to finally get some food. he’s sure the others have heard. he sucks in his breath and curses his body. _why now?_

‘doesn’t sound like you’re full,’ mark says and piles more food on jaehyun’s plate. ‘here, eat.’ jaehyun wants to scream, his hands are forming fists under the table but still he smiles at mark, tries not to show how upset he is. mark has no idea he’s messing up all his plans. a little portion is okay, but this? no.

‘thanks,’ he answers and feels sick when he takes another bite. doyoung is still watching, it makes him feel uncomfortable.

he doesn’t know why, but for some reason he just can’t stop eating afterwards. he eats more than he has in the past week in one sitting, not even chewing anymore. he just has to eat more, more, _more_. he feels physically sick afterwards, his stomach is protesting.

it’s only when they’re back at the dorm and he’s showering that it really settles in. he has fucked up. all the hard work for nothing, that’s so typical. he feels sick for a different reason now, he wants to get rid of the mistake, he wants to turn back time and never set a foot into that damn restaurant.

tears are streaming down his face when he hugs the toilet bowl and he isn’t sure whether it’s from the pressure on his head from throwing up or something else. he’s always hated throwing up, but if putting a finger down his throat is the only way to reverse this mistake, he’s willing to do it.  
the water is running in the background, he hopes it will conceal the sound of the half-digested food hitting the water.

he feels absolutely disgusting when he’s done. he looks into the mirror and sees nothing.

***

the smallest things take so much effort now. getting out of bed is exhausting, showering is nearly impossible. he has to sit in the shower, afraid of fainting otherwise. his entire body feels _wrong_ , he knows this but he can’t change it. he wishes he could just stop, he cries sometimes when he’s sitting under the ice cold stream of water, just to burn a few more calories by freezing. his entire body shakes, telling him to stop, but he just _can’t_. it isn’t a choice anymore, he wonders if it ever truly was.

he feels empty, all he can think about is food, all the food he cannot eat. food, food, _food_. the rest of his mind is busy with trying not to faint, not to worry the others, not to reveal his secret that can’t really be a secret anymore, because he sees what the scales say and knows he must look horrible, even when he himself can’t see it in the mirror.

***

it’s taeyong who finally says something, of course it is taeyong.

‘you can’t carry on like this, jaehyunnie,’ he tells him one evening after practice. all jaehyun wants to do is go to bed and sleep. he so, so tired. every single muscle in his body _hurts_ , screams for him to eat, but it’s not that easy.

‘uh?’ he asks, hoping taeyong will drop it, if he pretends he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

‘you’re so thin,’ he explains, the worry clear on his face as he looks him in the eyes, jaehyun has to look away. ‘it’s not healthy anymore, you need to stop.’

‘i don’t know what you’re talking about.’ it sounds more defensive than he intended it to, but he can’t take it back now. he feels like he’s under attack. taeyong doesn’t _understand_ , no one does. so why is he meddling with things he has no idea about?

‘but you do,’ the older answers curtly. ‘i know you don’t want me to say it, but it’s a problem, jaehyun. we’re all worried about you.’

‘there’s nothing to be worried about, hyung,’ he tries to explain calmly, but his eyes are burning and his vision is blurring. why the _hell_ does he feel like he has to cry?

‘you think we don’t notice, but we do. you don’t eat, you work out all the time. it’s not just concerning you anymore when you’re endangering all of us. what if you faint during a performance? what will the fans say? you’re only thinking about yourself.’

anger bubbles up in his chest. how _dare_ he say that? that he’s only thinking about himself when it couldn’t be further from the truth? he’s _always_ thinking about the others, otherwise he would’ve stopped eating altogether a long time ago. ‘you know nothing,’ he says bitterly. ‘stop acting like you do.’ he doesn’t add the _hyung_ , mainly out of pettiness. taeyong lets it slide.

‘i know more than enough. you have a problem, jaehyun, and you need to do something about it!’ he’s raising his voice now, clearly upset.

‘it’s my life and i can do with it what i want! stop telling me i have a problem, stop being so goddamn annoying. not everything is your fucking business!’ he is nearly screaming now. he’s mad. mad at taeyong for trying to stop him, mad at him for not understanding, but most of all mad at himself for not having hidden it better.

taeyong gets up, jaehyun is scared he’ll punch him for a second, he’s never seen him so angry. then he takes a deep breath and unclenches his fists. ‘we worry about you, _i_ worry about you, jaehyun. please,’ his voice breaks. ‘just… think about it.’ and then he’s gone and jaehyun can’t stop the tears from falling anymore.

***

later that night he hears a knock at his door, he doesn’t say anything but doyoung enters anyways. his eyes catch jaehyun’s and he doesn’t know why, but he starts crying again.

doyoung sighs and walks over to his bed, pulling him in a tight hug and jaehyun cries and cries and cries, sobs shaking his entire body. doyoung runs his hand up and down his back, kisses his hair every now and then and just lets him cry.

‘jaehyunnie,’ he says gently, after jaehyun has finally calmed down a bit.

‘hyung,’ he answers, his face feels wet and hot, snot is blocking his nose and he still finds it hard to breathe. ‘i’m sorry.’

doyoung shakes his head. ‘don’t apologise. it’s not your fault.’

‘i have to apologise to taeyong-hyung,’ he mumbles, looking at the hands in his lap.

doyoung nods. ‘yeah, but he understands. he isn’t mad at you, jaehyunnie, just scared. me too, by the way. i’m not mad.’

he doesn’t know why, but relief floods his body. doyoung isn’t mad. ‘i feel so horrible, i never wanted any of this,’ he swallows hard.

‘i know,’ doyoung answers, rubbing his back again. ‘i know that. we’ll find a way. we’ll find a way to make it okay.’

jaehyun nods, holding on tightly to doyoung. ‘i’ll do better, i promise.’

***

promises are made to be broken. if he’s being honest with himself, he knew he couldn’t keep it even when he gave it. doyoung probably knew, too. he feels so useless.

so he doesn’t eat again. it’s not a big deal, he tries to tell himself, but it really is. he can feel it, his body is feeding off its last reserves, it’s struggling to keep going. every day practice gets a little harder, a little more impossible to get though.

he knew this would happen eventually, he knew it and still he’s surprised when he realises that it is indeed happening. they’ve practiced the dance for their comeback for the hundredth time, he feels so exhausted, he wants to lie down, just for a second. and then it isn’t just a want anymore, it’s a need.  
he can feel his heart beat with every laboured breath he takes, he hears it, too. hears it even over the ringing in his ears that’s progressively getting louder. he doesn’t even realise he can’t see anymore until the dizziness is making him lean forward, his hands on his knees to support himself. he’s so cold.

when he can see again he’s looking at the ceiling, he feels a hand on his shoulder but he’s too tired to check who it is. someone is trying to get him to drink something and he takes it, only later realising that it isn’t water. he can’t even bring himself to care, he feels so dizzy, like he isn’t even there really.

empty. he feels empty. there’s nothing left of him, he’s just a shell walking around, fooling everyone into thinking jaehyun is still in there somewhere.

***

donghyuck cries that night in their room, tells him how much he loves him and how worried he is for him. jaehyun has never felt this guilty, not even after he had eaten all of that junk in the restaurant. his little brother, the personified sun, donghyuck who is always happy, is crying for him.

he gets up and pulls him into a hug, telling him that it’ll be okay, that he shouldn’t worry too much. empty promises.

***

they threaten to pull him out of promotions. he knows they can’t do it, because people would talk and they cannot afford that. he also isn’t the only idol that’s dieting, definitely not.

still, his manager warns him. if he faints one more time, they’ll have to do something. jaehyun accepts it with a shrug, he doesn’t care about it, about anything really.

when he’s returning to the others he hears them talk. ‘he should be in a fucking hospital, but no one seems to care!’ it’s doyoung and he’s crying. jaehyun stops where they can’t see him and listens. he feels guilty about it, but then again they are talking about _him_. 

donghyuck hugs doyoung, he’s crying as well and jaehyun swallows hard.

‘we all know that,’ taeyong says gently. ‘we just have to try our best to help him, it can’t go on like this.’

‘i can’t even sleep anymore, i’m so scared,’ doyoung admits, tears still rolling down his cheeks. doyoung who’s always strong, doyoung who never likes other people seeing him cry. 

jaehyun turns around and wipes away the tears that are falling on his cheeks.

***

in the end they say he has broken his leg. it’s a good excuse, he supposes, for him not being there for the comeback. his fans are worried and sad. he feels guilty, but he knows this is the only way. he talks to someone about it now, his eating is monitored and although he hates it _so_ much, he knows it’s the only way.

although he couldn’t care less about dying from this, he knows he can’t give up so easily. he has to fight, for donghyuck, for doyoung, for his fans and most importantly for himself.

doyoung visits him whenever he can. it isn’t often because he’s busy with promotions, but whenever he comes he brings happiness with him. he tells him about the others, tells him how much they miss him and tells him how proud they are of him for fighting.

he takes his hand sometimes and jaehyun feels his heartbeat pick up every single time. one time he leans into doyoung and the older pulls him close, just holding him. it’s times like these when he realises that his feelings are slowly returning, he doesn’t feel empty anymore.

he still has days when he struggles, when he absolutely despises his dietician and everyone else who’s trying to make him eat, but he is getting there.

he will be alright, he knows it. he has to be, because doyoung and the others are waiting for him to return.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope this doesn't feel too rushed, i kinda wrote it in about three hours which i really should've spent studying lol.
> 
> thank you for reading. please always be kind to yourself.
> 
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